


Cid Highwind's Rules of the Air

by Vinvalen



Category: Compilation of Final Fantasy VII, Final Fantasy VII
Genre: Other
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-02-22
Updated: 2015-02-22
Packaged: 2018-03-14 13:52:43
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 984
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3413096
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Vinvalen/pseuds/Vinvalen
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Parts of this have been around forever, but Cid just had to put his own special spin on the subject...</p>
            </blockquote>





	Cid Highwind's Rules of the Air

**1\. Every takeoff is optional. Every landing is mandatory.**

If ya mess this one up in one of my craft and live to bitch about it, just keep goin’- fer all th’ good it’ll do ya. Galian’s a good tracker.

**2\. If you push the stick forward, the houses get bigger. If you pull the stick back, they get smaller. That is, unless you keep pulling the stick all the way back, then they get bigger again.**

Also a good way to find out if ya know yer ass from a hole in the ground, ‘cause yer definitely gonna leave a crater if you get this one wrong.

**3\. Flying isn't dangerous. Crashing is what's dangerous.**

So is scrapin’ th’ paint on one of my aircraft.

**4\. It's always better to be down here wishing you were up there than up there wishing you were down here.**

And no, I won’t send Vincent to bail yer ass out. I’ll probably ask him to send Chaos.

**5\. The ONLY time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.**

Fire is fer cookin’ shit, or belongs on the end of a cigarette. Refer to ‘Maintenance’ section below.

**6\. The propellers are just big fans on the airship used to keep the pilot cool. When they stop, you can actually watch the pilot start sweating.**

This is why we do maintenance by _my_ standards, not yers, and why I’m th’ boss, and you _ain’t._

**7\. When in doubt, hold on to your altitude. No one has ever collided with the sky.**

Except Tseng. I don’t care what he says, I ain’t buyin’ it. If ya don’t believe me, ask Zack or Cloud.

**8\. A 'good' landing is one from which you can walk away. A 'great' landing is one after which I can use the plane again.**

Remember numbers one an’ three?

**9\. Learn from the mistakes of others. You won't live long enough to make all of them yourself.**

Especially after I get ahold of ya. Galian likes diggin’ holes, so’s we’ll have one waitin’ fer ya.

**10\. You know you've landed with the wheels up if it takes full power to taxi to the ramp.**

If this happens, somethin’ bigger’n you with a real bad attitude needs to have started it. See numbers one, three, and eight. If ya missed numbers one, three, and eight learn how to count, asshole.

**11\. The probability of survival is inversely proportional to the angle of arrival. Large angle of arrival, small probability of survival and vice versa.**

It’s an aircraft, dumbass-not a bobsled. Ya wanna take up luge, move to Icicle.

**12\. Never let an aircraft take you somewhere your brain didn't get to five minutes earlier.**

If ya ain’t got the brains fer this, ya ain’t got no business flyin’ nothin’ of mine anyhow, moron.

**13\. Stay out of clouds. The silver lining everyone keeps talking about might be another airship going in the opposite direction. Reliable sources also report that mountains have been known to hide out in clouds.**

We won’t go into details about why ya should stay outta Cloud Strife. Less’n yer Sephiroth of course, but we ain’t goin’ there without a brain bleach chaser.

**14\. Always try to keep the number of landings you make equal to the number of take offs you've made.**

Simple math, dipshits. Count on yer fingers if ya hafta.

**15\. There are three simple rules for making a smooth landing. Unfortunately no one knows what they are.**

Except me. I'll be glad to tell ya, an’ there WILL be a test.

**16\. Helicopters can't fly; they're just so ugly the planet repels them.**

Th’ Planet ain’t repellin’ the helicopter. It's just repellin’ Reno.

**17\. If all you can see out of the window is ground that's going round and round and all you can hear is commotion coming from the passenger compartment, things are not at all as they should be.**

An’ Cloud or Yuffie prob’ly just barfed on somebody.

**18\. In the ongoing battle between objects made of metal going hundreds of miles per hour and the ground going zero miles per hour, the ground has yet to lose.**

Just like one of Dio’s craps games-the house always wins.

**19\. Good judgment comes from experience. Unfortunately, the experience usually comes from bad judgment.**

Bad judgment is gettin’ caught in Genesis’ con trail. ‘Specially when he’s skywritin’ quotes from Loveless.

**20\. It's always a good idea to keep the pointy end going forward as much as possible.**

An’ then there's Reno, but he don’t know up from down or back from front anyhow. He never read Number 2.

**21\. Keep looking around. There's always something you've missed.**

And its prolly 1. Bigger’n you. 2. Lookin’ to eat you, or 3. Considerin’ yer potential as either matin’ or nestin’ material. If that don’t worry ya, it should.

**22\. The three most useless things to a pilot are the altitude above you, runway behind you, and a tenth of a second ago.**

A tenth of a second definitely ain’t a big enough head start if I’m after yer ass.

**23\. None of the above is open fer debate. Like a wise man once said, Arguin’ with me is like wrestlin’ with a pig in the mud, after awhile ya begin to think the pig likes it, an’ you ain’t gonna win anyhow.**

  
**Raises:**

  
If ya can take a whiz off the deck at 30,000 and hit the Shinra Tower, I’ll give ya a raise. If ya hit a Turk, ‘specially Reno, I’ll double it. If ya hit Rufus or that mutt of his, I’ll triple it an’ add a paid vacation. Call it incentive.

**Memo from the CEO of Highwind Aviation: (that’s me, in case anybody fergot) Yer asses are required to be here next week fer th’ unveilin’ of my new airship ‘Intercourse’. Fly united. Heh.**

**Author's Note:**

> The quote about pigs and mud is attributed to several sources, mainly Mark Twain.


End file.
